Today i have been living and breathing 47 years. My wonderful three children im blessed with. A lot of crazy life has been crammed in. Unfortunately almost half my years was not good. Everyday is one more i can look back on my child abuse and wave bye bye. The struggles i live with daily, have made me who and where i am today. I have a one memory of my 10th birthday. My Mum held a fancy dress party for me in, our little flat. She made my cake. It was a good day. I don’t remember any other parties or birthday celebrations, accept as i turned a teenager. I always make an effort to feel good on my birthday. Maybe its that one birthday my Mum threw for me that just shines through as a good feeling. Today is a good day.
Trying to fill the void of being alone whilst my partner is at work and my Daughter away with her Dad. I hate having to share her but I also know good parenting means she needs a balance of both her parents.
I’ve got into singing and belting my heart out to mama Mia 2, Andante Andante. The weather has changed drastically from scorching heat to wet and actually quite cold. I don’t like the change it feels dark and bleak a taste of winter is approaching over the next few weeks I guess. Sitting and listening to the news, I should shut up what with the catastrophic weather that goes on around the world is saddening and a wake up call of the reality and genuine turmoil on people and their homes. I find myself constantly questioning the meaning of life. My life had real purpose whilst raising my children. My youngest is growing fast. I need to just be and stop my mind from needing to be filled with thoughts and feelings. Just be, like the trees in my photo I captured on a hot summers day
Remembering the good days with gratitude and joy.
A day out with my two Daughters was blissful. Sweltering heat but they still compete. Go Ape an adventure park, was the first part planned by my oldest, to treat her sister. Climbing high up in the sky, walking tightrope apparatus. Zip wire. I swelled with admiration and pure love for them both and their bravery. Adventurous, determination and resilience in abundance they shone with under the heat of the sun. I snapped photos and videos but also managed to take it the experience and not miss it all through the camera lens of my iPhone. Next when they were done was my treat to the cinema. Mama mia 2 (we use to watch the first 1 together many times years ago). Memories made with songs that hold dear to my heart. The day draws to an end with my oldest hiring us a paddle boat for half an hr before is closes from a park we visited in the past. She paddles with my youngest navigating like a trusted pilot. I sit relax and soak in the perfection of a truly memorable happy day.
I wanted to put pen to paper. With today’s technology I hardly ever actually write. This actually feels foreign to me. My hand writing has never been good enough. Creativity comes from within. Why do so many who suffered and endured pain have a natural flair for outward creativity artists, writers, actors even. I’m in need of practicing mindfulness so much. Feel the fabric of the sofa under my legs. Absorb the paper under my hand as it glides across the paper as I write. Listen to the rhythmic sounds of pen giving birth to my words. My surroundings filled with objects in their place. Hand on my arm, touch, sensation, warmth. The miracle of life is all around me. A purpose for everything. Listening to the sound of the washing machine with its robotic tones. Every now and then filling with freshly drawn water. My first born use to fall asleep in the high chair to those sounds, at times when I was in the kitchen and she was content I’m sitting playing with toys, knowing Mum was there and she was safe. Nature’s at work after a heavy heatwave . The winds are ruling the weather now. Forceful gushes spreading like a furied spirit. So for now all is calm all is bright and I need to remember “you can get busy living or get busy dying”
My original piece of writing accompanies this blog. I’m impressed with my spelling with out spellcheck. I’ve made a word up “furied” I think, but it basically means angered to me.
To my older self from my younger self. Do you remember when you use to yearn for a tiny tears doll and your best friend had one that you loved to play with. Well one day you get your own real life dolls.
If I could tell you your life ahead is going to consist of having 3 beautiful children. All with their own unique quirks and qualities. Your want to control them always but you can’t. Your want to know that their always safe, but you can’t. You want to know that what goes on in their minds are good loving thoughts kind thoughts positive thoughts, but you can’t, You’ll have days when you feel like your the crappiest Mother. You won’t even know how to act like a mother . Your hate yourself, Shame will be immersed in your circulatory system. There will be one special person though in your life who will have the biggest impact on you, they will be your greatest enemy your greatest advocate and your greatest love. That person is you! You see it all starts with you and it will all end with you. That’s why you will have to fight so hard. There will be people cheering you on. Your children will look over their shoulder from a distance observing you. They’ll want to see you succeed your lighting some of their path. So just remember keep looking forward, keep taking a new breath at the start of each new day. So don’t forget I’ve got your hand and I’m not letting it go.
To my children. Well the two that are older and don’t live with me. I gave birth to you both and every single fibre of my body wanted you. My cells were raging with nothing but radiance for becoming a Mother . I breastfed you both, my first born, I persevered for 2 weeks but the bleeding down below and from my nipples was taking its toll, (the psychological after effects of sexual abuse which had stopped a year or two before I decided to have a baby,) well they were playing with my head and I could not handle blood or bleeding. I wanted to focus on being the best mother i could. The best mother I was able to be and I was, the best that I could be. My first born and I, had 1 week short of 3 whole years of getting bonded before your brother came along. My second born I managed 6 months of breastfeeding some mix of bottle fed too. THe life of sexual abuse, was firmly behind me. Or so I hoped. Life went on as it does, years went by as they do. Cracks started to show in my life these cracks were my brain acting out the devastating issues that lay dormant in me. My life was filled by work at times and raising my beautiful children and tending to our home. Teaching them to read walk talk potty train socialise play. All the things they needed to succeed in the big wide world and become well rounded humans. A far as my memory goes they were happy safe kids. No alcoholic parents (or Grandparents) minding them. No violence, and absolutely most definitely no SEXUAL ABUSE .
When you became 17, 14 and my youngest was approaching 8, life changed for us all. I moved out. Your Dad was absolutely not going to move out of OUR house. I believed he would step up to the mark and I could carry on being Mum. I did carry on and always will because that’s who I am your Mum. Not a day goes by where I do not beat myself up for being the one that moved out. (I think a tiny part of me thought if I stayed with you by myself as a single parent I might fail).
I text you both every day as I want to just hear from you know your safe. My second born replies. My first born does usually the next day sometimes the same day. I know my first born gets fed up with it I can tell I can feel the tone. Happy perfect families are spewed at us across the media. I want that perfect family I always did. But the consequences of sexual abuse and there after effects sabotaged that all. Your adults now you can live and choose what you want. I just hope you carry on choosing and wanting me in your lives too I really really do. I love you all 3, my children, I love you to the bottom of my soul. I Need to learn to love me. I hope and pray you will love yourselves as much as I love you. I hope I put in enough ground work that you will. I hope the past doesn’t haunt you. I hope to be in your lives forever.