An everlasting Christmas present

When I was about 8 I was given this book for Christmas I believe. I do not remember who but think a family friend of the time. The illustrations inside are  colourful and wonderfuI like the Disney it is. I don’t think I ever really read it or appreciated it fully. Everything that was going on for that little me, meant I could not comprehend the factual and intellectual writing it beholds.  My brain could of been fed such nourishing  food, full of knowledge and wisdom and inspiration. It explains about the greatest inventors of our times. It has a picture of the outside of Einsteins house with a cat perched on the grass. 

  • Survivors of sexual abuse are prisoners from the onset of the first poisonous touch.  Everything is stripped from them.  I treasure this book.  I can hold it, feel it, smell it and reach out to that poor child, that was drowning in her own  blood of Shame and loneliness.  I thank the person who brought that for me.  The ironic thing is my abuser was an artist and the book has Disney illustrations.  My abuser hated Disney ( maybe that’s why I love it even more) l
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Grief, Growing, Games

I chose the title today for my blog, due to the turmoil that goes on in my head.  For the past few months I’ve not been working. Agency work was quiet.  I now am going to start a full time permanent position. 

With all the time I’ve had on my hands, instead of using it wisely, I’ve let my mind make a mockery out of me. It’s so easy, it doesn’t take any effort.  We are best of friends. I’ve cried every day for weeks. I’m drained. If tears that shed were fat id be a rake.   I need to break the cycle but my tears need to be released.   My Abuser, My Grandfather never paid for his crime.  I’m left with the crime in my core, It eats away at me like a leach to fresh flesh. A scab covers all of me.  Under the scab is the scar that will never heal.  The power is in my hands, my mind, thoughts and actions.  But is my life a game?  Every now and then I pass go and collect  200.  Sometimes I go to jail. (This is a game for real called monopoly ) Will I only win when the day comes that I die? No! all I’ll have gained then is not feeling or thinking.   So we trudge on remembering there are people with far worse life tragedies than me.  I think I’ll try a new game though. Maybe monopoly is too linked  to my childhood as it is a game from then.

  What keeps me going is love, after all “all we need is love”

My tranquil space

Here i feel lucky enough to recharge my batteries, connect to the world, remind myself of the beauty and possibilities of the universe and its immense power.  Here i reconnect to me.IMG_1383IMG_1425

Busy times keep me sane

wp-image-1361321949jpg.jpg.I know I dont need to explain, however I want to. I’m so sorry to my followers for not blogging for such a time. Im also extremely sad, I haven’t managed to catch up on all you amazing strong ambivalent people on here! I hope with all my heart you are all doing good as can be and “keeping the good fight up”(  as my once upon a time wonderful  Pychotherapist once said to me.)

I haven’t actually checked when I last blogged or what is was about.   My oldest 2 children shared their 18th and 21st birthday last June.   It was an unforgettable joint birthday party.  With help of my partner and 2 of my Oldest Daughters friends, we decked the hall out with pictures of their childhood years and ballons banners galore.  A Dj and food prepared by a wonderful friend made the whole event something  I was proud of. My children thanked me and my partner with the deepest of gratitude. I managed not to cry! Thank you anti depressants.

I’m divorced and the house is being sold very soon.  We have moved to another town. My Son stayed on with his Dad…I miss him but he’ll be off to uni in September.   Life has changed alot.  My partner and I fought for an appeal and won whoop whoop!! after my youngest was  offered and attended,  a far away school,under achieving, due to no spaces. The journey required 2 buses as well, which I attended with her and a host of stress and cost time etc as well as interfering and impacting on our lives negatively.

Last Wednesday I started a job, via a recruitment agency doing Teaching Assistant / learning assistant. It is in a pupils referal unit.  Children who have been excluded from main stream school.  Im with a group of 15 to 16 year old girls only. I’ve never worked with these  ages before apart from my own children of course.  It’s honestly the most challenging job I’ve ever done.  I have the empathy. It’s triggering but I believe in these girls. I just hope they can believe in themselves….

My youngest and I

P is my youngest. My last child I carried. In my years of healing from childhood sexual abuse, parenting is the heaviest, challenging,  heart wrenching, experience, I think I will ever of had. Tears , tantrums and joy, unconditional love.  P it appears, is also the most like me in personality.  We share stubbornness, enjoyment through  creativity for dancing and singing. I have 3 children and they are all unique and special.  They all carry my good heart I know that.  P filled me with pride yesterday, after defeating her own demons,of not wanting to  play a part she agreed to, in a leavers school play. She was wonderful and my heart really did swell,  for her accomplishment. At the end a few children cried emotional changing times ahead. My P comforted one crying girl from her class. That’s who she is, a caring, empathetic, smart little being. The world is her oyster my job is to guide her forward with the candle.

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