2018, we lost two dogs, my partners dog, through heart defunct, she was 11 or 12, my Ozzy, who was 15/16 and has been my rock in the species of animal! And who has Witnessed and absorbed so much of mine and my children’s life. The pain of loosing two dogs was excruciating. They were both “put to sleep” I don’t believe in heaven, but i still like to believe that they meet up in that sort of place and run free. Suffering with dissociation, Ozzy would keep me grounded. He was like my private bodyguard. He was a stubborn very proud and independent dog, but he always gave unconditional love. On his last day, i sat on the floor with him and he had his paw on my hand. The warm Dry, crusty feel, penetrated through me like blood for a blood transfusion. We are down to one dog now and we rehomed/rescued a cat. Its a upstairs downstairs life for them though as our dog in my profile pic, isn’t that welcoming to the new comer. I love cats though, they give me such pleasure and joy, always did do. Ozzy, i will never ever forget you, but i will always miss you.
- Today for me is a day when you realise how precious, scary, crazy brutal, life is. Learning my Partners parents friend , died, due to not investigating something wrong in her body. I shed tears id met this person a couple of times. My heart goes out for her friends abd family. An older lady walking her sons, i met walking my dog, told me of her Brother being housebound in Zimbabwe. I googled a bit into the news there and scary, violence, rape. All over the world there are people, born and breathing like us, who are living lives we cannot even fathom. This beautiful planet earth we share, needs love, education, kindness,empathy. I have family in, Australia, Argentina, Ireland, Canada. We branch out we move. Ive raised my children here in the UK, i was born here. The grass is always greener on the other side , hotter countries. Its cold now, our winter. But the sun still comes out everyday, without fail, its there, even when we can’t it, its shining on us all, a beacon into the world humanity has created. The good the bad and the ugly. The darkness comes to me often, however the moon even on the blackest night, like your darkest mood, reminds you the light is always there if you search for it. Im constantly searching for my light, holding that beacon of sun and looking to the moon reminding me we are all connected under the same sky. Send out love into the world not hate or ego, jealously or greed. Im starting with my self. Im just a dot on the horizon, like we all are, but let’s join the dots to create change, i visualise a huge heart of all our dots together. Stay strong warriors of the world.
Today i have been living and breathing 47 years. My wonderful three children im blessed with. A lot of crazy life has been crammed in. Unfortunately almost half my years was not good. Everyday is one more i can look back on my child abuse and wave bye bye. The struggles i live with daily, have made me who and where i am today. I have a one memory of my 10th birthday. My Mum held a fancy dress party for me in, our little flat. She made my cake. It was a good day. I don’t remember any other parties or birthday celebrations, accept as i turned a teenager. I always make an effort to feel good on my birthday. Maybe its that one birthday my Mum threw for me that just shines through as a good feeling. Today is a good day.
Trying to fill the void of being alone whilst my partner is at work and my Daughter away with her Dad. I hate having to share her but I also know good parenting means she needs a balance of both her parents.
I’ve got into singing and belting my heart out to mama Mia 2, Andante Andante. The weather has changed drastically from scorching heat to wet and actually quite cold. I don’t like the change it feels dark and bleak a taste of winter is approaching over the next few weeks I guess. Sitting and listening to the news, I should shut up what with the catastrophic weather that goes on around the world is saddening and a wake up call of the reality and genuine turmoil on people and their homes. I find myself constantly questioning the meaning of life. My life had real purpose whilst raising my children. My youngest is growing fast. I need to just be and stop my mind from needing to be filled with thoughts and feelings. Just be, like the trees in my photo I captured on a hot summers day
Remembering the good days with gratitude and joy.
A day out with my two Daughters was blissful. Sweltering heat but they still compete. Go Ape an adventure park, was the first part planned by my oldest, to treat her sister. Climbing high up in the sky, walking tightrope apparatus. Zip wire. I swelled with admiration and pure love for them both and their bravery. Adventurous, determination and resilience in abundance they shone with under the heat of the sun. I snapped photos and videos but also managed to take it the experience and not miss it all through the camera lens of my iPhone. Next when they were done was my treat to the cinema. Mama mia 2 (we use to watch the first 1 together many times years ago). Memories made with songs that hold dear to my heart. The day draws to an end with my oldest hiring us a paddle boat for half an hr before is closes from a park we visited in the past. She paddles with my youngest navigating like a trusted pilot. I sit relax and soak in the perfection of a truly memorable happy day.
I wanted to put pen to paper. With today’s technology I hardly ever actually write. This actually feels foreign to me. My hand writing has never been good enough. Creativity comes from within. Why do so many who suffered and endured pain have a natural flair for outward creativity artists, writers, actors even. I’m in need of practicing mindfulness so much. Feel the fabric of the sofa under my legs. Absorb the paper under my hand as it glides across the paper as I write. Listen to the rhythmic sounds of pen giving birth to my words. My surroundings filled with objects in their place. Hand on my arm, touch, sensation, warmth. The miracle of life is all around me. A purpose for everything. Listening to the sound of the washing machine with its robotic tones. Every now and then filling with freshly drawn water. My first born use to fall asleep in the high chair to those sounds, at times when I was in the kitchen and she was content I’m sitting playing with toys, knowing Mum was there and she was safe. Nature’s at work after a heavy heatwave . The winds are ruling the weather now. Forceful gushes spreading like a furied spirit. So for now all is calm all is bright and I need to remember “you can get busy living or get busy dying”
My original piece of writing accompanies this blog. I’m impressed with my spelling with out spellcheck. I’ve made a word up “furied” I think, but it basically means angered to me.
To my older self from my younger self. Do you remember when you use to yearn for a tiny tears doll and your best friend had one that you loved to play with. Well one day you get your own real life dolls.
If I could tell you your life ahead is going to consist of having 3 beautiful children. All with their own unique quirks and qualities. Your want to control them always but you can’t. Your want to know that their always safe, but you can’t. You want to know that what goes on in their minds are good loving thoughts kind thoughts positive thoughts, but you can’t, You’ll have days when you feel like your the crappiest Mother. You won’t even know how to act like a mother . Your hate yourself, Shame will be immersed in your circulatory system. There will be one special person though in your life who will have the biggest impact on you, they will be your greatest enemy your greatest advocate and your greatest love. That person is you! You see it all starts with you and it will all end with you. That’s why you will have to fight so hard. There will be people cheering you on. Your children will look over their shoulder from a distance observing you. They’ll want to see you succeed your lighting some of their path. So just remember keep looking forward, keep taking a new breath at the start of each new day. So don’t forget I’ve got your hand and I’m not letting it go.